My Classicrockchick persona is bowing out.

And Electrochick's taking a break for a bit.

See you soon.

Everyone thinks that I've improved more than I think I have.

I had proof today that I must have improved.

I was doing a short photography course prior to the ECT (today I remembered it).

I had only got as far as the first assignment.

I thought from the feedback that I had done badly.

When I re-read the feeback today, I saw it entirely differently. I had actually done quite well.

Interesting proof.

If I see one more thing about crappy Sex and the City.......

..............I'll throw the tv out of the window.

Aarrrgggggggh!

Is it me?

It's just dawned on me, that at 40, I'm supposed to:

Have wrinkles – (deep-set or otherwise),
Have tired eyes that need a roll-on to correct them,
Dye my hair with dyes that hide 'even the grey',
Eat yoghurts that help my digestive system,
Require products that make even my skin supple,
and others that 'plump it up'.

All advertised mostly by 20 year-old models.

How stupid do they think we are?

Until today, I hadn't even looked to see if I had wrinkles around my eyes (it turns out I do).

Before I took any notice of those adverts I still thought of myself as young. It only just dawned on me that these adverts were aimed at me.

F**k them. I think I'll continue to ignore them

A curse on the advertisers

Phaaaaah!

An agreement's been reached (unfortunately doc, it had to be done).

There's been a tussle going on between 'us' and 'them'. And that's why I haven't been posting for a couple of weeks.

I'm feeling a fair bit better - 15 electric shocks done and finished. Life is a bit odd now though lol.

But I get to enjoy discovering fun stuff twice! Which is pretty cool

ECT is hard - and for everyone involved. But it's better than the alternative. The pros have to be weighed against the cons, and for me it was worth it.

This blog name has turned out to be appropriate . But the profile pic of the nurse will have to go now - not such a huge loss I think.

I liked the pic though - shame about that

Dr said this morning, that once we get to this many ECT's that the maximum benefit has probably been reached.

Which is not what she said last week.

The agreement is that I have 2 more (tomorrow and Tuesday), then stop and plan for discharge, monitoring if I go up or down in the following weeks.

If I get worse, then I'll be put on maintenance ECT.

I'm disappointed. And I'm worried I'll be 'abandoned' by them (it wouldn't be the first time).

I want to be Classicrockchick again.

The wait is annoying me.

D'yaknow, today we think my personality is beginning to change, for the better I hasten to add . (well it couldn't have been worse lol)

I've had a really nice day today.

And Hubby's introduced me to Starbucks' chocolate frappuccino with cream.

Oh yes.

Uh uh . And now I'm addicted.

I'll be persuading him to take me there again tomorrow. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm

ECT 13 today. I didn't have a nice big jolt like I had last time

Ok so I haven't been feeling much 'happier', but I think things are more positive in other ways:

I'm not comfort eating as much - I've lost half a stone, and my desire to eat so much 'comfort' chocolate is gone. In fact I don't feel like I want to eat chocolate at all today.

I have a more energy, I don't want to sleep as much, and I'm more active.

All positive things

Ok so I had my weekly review this morning. I had hubby with me today to add weight to what I said, and to speak on my behalf.

I've had 12 ECT's now, and the trend is upwards. I've been worried all week that they'll think I've had enough and stop the treatment now.

That absolutely terrified me. To think that I'm part-way to recovery, and they might abandon me there. But I needn't have worried. Hubby did well for me.

I'm booked for another 2 - with review next Thursday, and my meds have been increased. And a deal has been struck: ECT is only licensed for a certain number of times. If I need (and want) more, then I can sign to accept responsibility for further ECTs. And I can have maintenance ECT.

This is such a relief. I've been working myself up to this all week, and now I know it'll be ok afterall.

I'm going to get my life back

**********

Oh and a bonus side-effect of this, is that I have less headaches, toothache , and (so far) I've lost just over half a stone in weight! WooHoo!

This memory-thing's a pain in the butt.

Hubby played The Wildhearts in the car yesterday. I love The Wildhearts, but though I recognised the style - I couldn't say what band was playing. And I didn't recognise the tracks at all That's not very good for a classic rock chick is it!

After he'd told me who was playing, I remembered that they have a track I love - "Bang". So I'm off to find it now (because I can't remember what it sounds like - only what it's called)

Now there is an up-side to all this. Though I can't remember good stuff, I can enjoy 'discovering' bands I like(d) all over again

I had ect number 11 this morning.

It went fine, but this time I didn't feel like I'd run a marathon (stiff muscles), headache, painful jaw. That makes me wonder if the dose wasn't so big.

There's no point in putting myself through all this if the shocks aren't big enough.

As I was saying to a friend elsewhere though, my memory was more shot this time than last time. So maybe it was. I've no idea.

I asked if it would be alright if I could have a look in the ect room when my course of treatment is over. I'd like to see what's in there. They said that would be ok

My posts aren't very positive are they? Just now I think that's the best I can do.

I'm hoping that it will only be a few weeks until I return to my Classicrockchick persona

I had been thinking that Electrochick might endure. But I'm getting better.

ECT number 10 is on Tuesday. Next review is Thursday.

I've had enough to demonstrate that ECT is something that works for me (yay), and so worth continuing with (as there's a lot more progress to go).

Apparently I'm chatty - I have conversations now. Hubby tells me my peak is about 48 hours after each treatment (which might be because I have a huge f*ckoff headache 'till then lol, and some confusion).

If anyone is searching for info about ECT, I hope you find this and see that it can be a successful effective treatment. And worth a try.

I know I've been griping about the ECT. But really I'm very grateful to be having it.

--------------------------------------------

A certain amount of memory-loss,

muscle-pain,

indignity,

confusion,

risking permanent brain damage,

and having to put my life totally on hold while this goes on -

--------------------------------------------

is a small price to pay, and better than the alternative.

So I got back home from hospital a few hours ago.

Normally I would go and sleep off the anaesthetic for a while, but next door are having their conservatory dismantled - which is very noisy

They made even more of a mess of my hand today, and ended up stabbing me several times before they got a vein - even I can needle better than that.

My memory-loss is quite marked. The previous times some of my memory has more-or-less returned by now, but there's no sign of it yet lol.

I'm such a moaning minnie aren't I. Sorry chaps . I need sleep that's what it is. It's quietened down next door now, I think I'll try and get some shut-eye. Zzzzzzzzzz.

All this ECT is wiping me out.

Energy is very low.

The memory-loss is variable and indiscriminate. And causes me to apologise alot (hmmmm).

But strangely, it's also stimulated memories too. This is supposed to be a sign that the ECT is working for me, because it's starting to lift the fog of depression.

I've put on a few pounds in weight since this started (eek).

I can't wait to drive again.

I'm looking forward to having my rakish nails done again. I miss having indestructable nails!

The back of my left hand is a mess from having a cannula put in there twice a week. But you can get to like the sensation of being put to sleep

3 to 5 ECT's left to have.

I hope you're all doing ok. I'm really sorry I haven't been keeping up with how you're doing.

Stay groovy.

I'm just back home from having my third ECT.

I thought I'd write a short post while it was all fresh in my mind. I might not remember even doing this later lol.

It's so strange the things I can't remember: how many cats I have (and they look 'different'), I couldn't remember which key was my house key and tried several before I found the right one, the inside of my house looks 'different'. I couldn't find a glass to pour myself a drink. And yet I can remember how to operate my computer and log-in to my blog!

I didn't know where I was or how long I'd been there, until the nurse showed me the note Hubby had put in my bag to text him so he could ring me and tell me what's going on. I even had to ask him why I was having ECT!

My god it was good to hear his voice - he was very reassuring. I know it's going to be ok. I just have to sit tight, and most of the memories will return.

But for now everything is very confusing, and feels strange.

I think I may have pulled a muscle in my leg during the ECT lol, and I have a cracking headache! I'm going to have a couple of painkillers and go for a sleep now.

Glad to have got ECT number 3 done

Later!

I just wanted to thank everyone who's visited this blog while I've been having ECT.

Thank you

You're all cool and groovy

And I apologise for not visiting many of your blogs myself. I've been a bit wrapped up in myself the last couple of weeks

It's been so strange - the memory thing. Hubby's wearing clothes I don't remember buying lol, or where things are kept in the kitchen - things I use all the time. I had to ask where things go I didn't know what day it was yesterday - I felt like I'd lost my sense of time.

I had that 80's feeling again this morning, like after the first ECT. I've also been having flashes of memories I'd forgotten altogether. I'm not having 'flash-backs' to things I did in the 80's, but to how I felt in the 80's. Surreal. It doesn't last (it's gone now), but it's a very good start.

I had my second ECT this morning as Tuesday's was cancelled at the last moment (I was actually in the ECT room and was told they'd f*cked up the aneasthatist's rotas). I was very upset - it was a huge anticlimax.

Today I was given two jolts because they decided the first one wasn't big enough!

Ugg. Can't shift the resulatant headache, I'm cold, and I could sleep forever

My memory issues have been different this time. After the first one I couldn't remember much at all, mostly big-ish things. Most of my memory returned after a couple of days.

Today I can't remember stuff like how to use my mobile phone! I didn't recognise the ward when I was brought back, or my house, and couldn't remember where the cat food was kept (much to their annoyance), and where other things were kept. A lot of this has returned now thank goodness. I've just been out for a drive and had to ask who the band was that we were listening to on the stereo.

*****************

A tip for anyone reading this who might need ECT themselves in the future: Get someone close to you to write you a short letter telling you what's happened, that your memory will be severely affected, and to text them when it's done so they can ring you and fill you in. And don't forget to ask the nurse to tell you about the note as soon as you return to the ward, and where it is! Hubby did that for me, and it was a massive help. It stopped me panicking with the memory-loss.

Sorry chaps that these posts about my ECT are quite lengthy (and dull I'm sure). When I looked for info - any info - about the actual experience of having electro convulsive therapy, there was none at all (nothing useful). Given it's the wold wide web, that's pretty crap. So that's why I'm giving so much information in the hope that it might be of some use to someone else doing a search on what's going to happen to them.

Yesterday I wondered if it was worth it, because I huuuurt and I was very tired. Having electro convulsive therapy wasn't fun. And neither was the whole being-in-a-mental-hospital-thing.

Today that's changed to thinking it is worth it. Big swing in perspective - good I think.

When I looked out of the curtains this morning and saw the sunshine I momentarily felt like I did in the 80's - how weird is that?? Only fleetingly though, but still.........

Hubby says I'm more chatty today. My parents-in-law said I'm more 'present'.

I'm watching "100 most embarrassing rock moments" on Kerrang at the moment, and I'm having opinions on what's on - which as readers of my Classicrockchick blog will know hasn't happened for some time now.

Progress? Possibly.

Well I had my first ECT this morning.

It seemed very quick, and went without a hitch.

When I got back to the ward I cried buckets, but the nurse said that was normal. I asked them to ring Hubby, and bless him - he came straight away.

I'm gonna go to bed soon - I'm very tired and I have aching muscles, my jaw is painful, and I have a headache. That's normal as well they tell me.

I was very confused for a little while. I didn't even remember that the nurse who took me back to the ward was the nurse who took me to the ECT suite. I didn't know I'd been in hospital for 3 days, or much else. I think my memory has mostly returned now (as far as I know lol).

My next session is Tuesday - amazingly they've let me come home 'till Monday night (so pleased about that!). They promised I won't lose my bed.

.........the morning after.

Thanks for your good wishes - I really appreciate it

I've been allowed home again for a couple of hours this evening, which is great. It feels like having my batteries recharged a bit.

I'm having my first ECT tomorrow morning. Feeling a bit weird about it now it's actually happening and is so close.

But as Hubby says, this is a not an end, it's a new beginning. So - being positive, and trying not to think about it too much.

I had a bath at home this evening, there is a bath there (which I've used obviously), but it's between 20 patients. There are a few you really wouldn't want to use the bath after (baaaad grammer!). Oh well. It's only for a week or so.

Suprise!

I can post because I've popped home on 'home leave' for a few hours

Don't worry - I haven't discharged myself. I've been allowed out with Hubby.

It's sooooooo nice to cuddle my cats (and my husband!), and just sit here in my chair by the fire, with the tv on.

24 hours in a psych ward is not fun.

Here's my room:

It's basic but at least I have my own room. I even have my own toilet and sink!

I have to be back in for 9 pm, but I might be able to pop home again tomorrow evening.

I've had the 'ECT work-up', and my first ECT is due on Friday morning.

Bye for now

They have a bed for me at last.

I'm going in a few minutes.

Thanks everyone for your good wishes. I won't be able to post for at least a week, but Hubby says he'll pass on any comments to me.

Later

.........what exactly do I have to do claim my bed?

There aren't enough beds, so in reality they only have enough resources for the ones who've actually tried (unsucessfully presumably) to do themselves in.

Is that the only way to get treated?

This is the message I'm getting from the crisis team who ring everyday, to tell me someone else got sick before they could call me in.

So what that means is that this course of treatment is not actually within the realms of possiblity for me.

By offering me ECT have they ticked enough boxes to get their funding this year?

No real need to follow it through now, is there?

So much for 'preventative' ECT.