Is it better to have a chemical straight-jacket, or experience the effects of bipolar mood swings?
There isn't an attainable balance between the two.
Has creativity and drive gone after years of paralizing depressions, or as a result of the treatment for it?
Is being treated right for people around you, or for yourself? Am I selfish for even considering it?
Being better also means no magical, creative, productive, risk-taking, invincible highs.
Using hind-sight, was it worth surviving the depressions to experience the highs?
It's why people with bipolar are on and off their meds like a whores drawers.
'Insight into your bipolar' - is an oxymoron.
I have daily debates with myself in the kitchen wondering if I should take the tablets that make me 'better', and control the wretching long enough for them to be absorbed - or don't, and maybe some of the good stuff will come back.
I don't have an answer to these and I don't want to be selfish.
x
It's been so long that I've been in this depression, and so long since my last hypomanic episode, that I'm beginning to forget what baseline is like for me. I think I'm finally getting a few glimpses. I hope so, anyway, because I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.